Finally got my I.T certification in the post today and it brought back horrible memories of the longest week of my life doing the training course involved . “Come to our training centre” they said , “get I.T training for free” they said . It reminds of those lying army recruitment posters that claimed being a soldier was all about living it up in the sun and having fun in tropical locations. I ought to have recognised the trap but I fell for it all the same .
So I show up for this course to find I’m the only one there by choice ! The rest are long term unemployed wretches being forced to attend by various benefit agencies , when I say unemployed I should probably have said unemployable too !! I wound up sandwiched between two neanderthals who clearly knew each other, leaving me no choice about being involved in their conversations.
The guy on my left who was nicknamed “brekker” for reasons he never made clear launched into a long monologue about how some woman he’d been seeing had called him a low life loser , his response was to head butt her car while she was driving away…I looked at him and said “Darwin must be spinning in his grave” …he didn’t get it !!! after staring at me in a blank uncomprehending way for about 15 seconds he then decided it was a compliment !!
In desperation I turned to the other guy who at least had a nickname I could get my head round (pisser) , being the nice guy I am I offered to help him out with the course work , only to find he’s using the computer to go on Facebook and is busily typing up a death threat !! apparently some guy was giving him the “evils” while he was out on the town one night so now that warranted his execution . I jokingly commented that there’s nothing like a social networking sites for promoting personal relationships….he looked at me as if I’d just accused him of interfering with dogs . Wearing a genuinely hurt expression on his face he informed me “I don’t go on social networking sites , they’re for losers who aint got no mates”
“errrr but Facebook is a…..” (no….no leave it alone jon move on and change the subject) “that guy you’re typing a death threat to , why is he on your Facebook friend list?”
“he’s mi mate , we ave a laff sometimes”
“can’t fault your logic mate”
After enduring a full day of grunting conversation from the Brothers Dim I approached the course tutor and asked if she would move me places . The lady tutor very politely informed me that before the course starts we were all assessed on our abilities and learners were seated with people who were at the same level of ability…….I swear to god I had a mini stroke right there and then !
The same level ???? I’m at the same level as these two mouth breathers ? Are you kidding ??? those two troglodytes didn’t even know how to open Microsoft excel until I showed them how…I’d spent 6 hours wet nursing them through the course work and being repeatedly referred to as “blood” but somebody somewhere had decided we were at the same level of ability …..again…can anybody help me with that logic ???
The scary thought is that when my generation retires , people like this are going to inherit the country, they are going to be the wealth generators that pay our pensions and keep the wheels on the economy . They might even wind up holding the reigns of power. I can just see the Prime Minister when I’m 70 giving a speech in the house of commons “hey yaw , big shout out to all da bloods , I is working dat budget fing like ah own it”
I had to endure 4 more days of pure torture , I tried to educate them about debt laws , getting around those stupid school attendance fines , avoiding having to have a tv license but they reacted like I was trying to teach them so kind of satanic power that’d damn them to the fires of hell for all eternity .
In the end both brekker and pisser passed the course (with no small amount of help from me) . We had our last conversation in the training room while they waited for both their girlfriends to meet up with them outside
“give mi your Facebook blood and I’ll chuck you an add”
“errr sure ok”
“what’s yer name”
“john parks…add me if you like”
“yeah yeah sweet”
And then came the final insult…their girlfriends arrived, they were both attractive and intelligent women.
What the frig ???????