Finally got my I.T certification in the post today and it brought back horrible memories of the longest week of my life doing the training course involved . “Come to our training centre” they said , “get I.T training for free” they said . It reminds of those lying army recruitment posters that claimed being a soldier was all about living it up in the sun and having fun in tropical locations. I ought to have recognised the trap but I fell for it all the same .


So I show up for this course to find I’m the only one there by choice ! The rest are long term unemployed wretches being forced to attend by various benefit agencies , when I say unemployed I should probably have said unemployable too !! I wound up sandwiched between two neanderthals who clearly knew each other, leaving me no choice about being involved in their conversations.


The guy on my left who was nicknamed “brekker” for reasons he never made clear launched into a long monologue about how some woman he’d been seeing had called him a low life loser , his response was to head butt her car while she was driving away…I looked at him and said “Darwin must be spinning in his grave” …he didn’t get it !!! after staring at me in a blank uncomprehending way for about 15 seconds he then decided it was a compliment !!


In desperation I turned to the other guy who at least had a nickname I could get my head round (pisser) , being the nice guy I am I offered to help him out with the course work , only to find he’s using the computer to go on Facebook and is busily typing up a death threat !! apparently some guy was giving him the “evils” while he was out on the town one night so now that warranted his execution . I jokingly commented that there’s nothing like a social networking sites for promoting personal relationships….he looked at me as if I’d just accused him of interfering with dogs . Wearing a genuinely hurt expression on his face he informed me “I don’t go on social networking sites , they’re for losers who aint got no mates”


“errrr but Facebook is a…..” (no….no leave it alone jon move on and change the subject) “that guy you’re typing a death threat to , why is he on your Facebook friend list?”


“he’s mi mate , we ave a laff sometimes”


“can’t fault your logic mate”




After enduring a full day of grunting conversation from the Brothers Dim I approached the course tutor and asked if she would move me places . The lady tutor very politely informed me that before the course starts we were all assessed on our abilities and learners were seated with people who were at the same level of ability…….I swear to god I had a mini stroke right there and then !


The same level ???? I’m at the same level as these two mouth breathers ? Are you kidding ??? those two troglodytes didn’t even know how to open Microsoft excel until I showed them how…I’d spent 6 hours wet nursing them through the course work and being repeatedly referred to as “blood” but somebody somewhere had decided we were at the same level of ability …..again…can anybody help me with that logic ???


The scary thought is that when my generation retires , people like this are going to inherit the country, they are going to be the wealth generators that pay our pensions and keep the wheels on the economy . They might even wind up holding the reigns of power. I can just see the Prime Minister when I’m 70 giving a speech in the house of commons “hey yaw , big shout out to all da bloods , I is working dat budget fing like ah own it”


I had to endure 4 more days of pure torture , I tried to educate them about debt laws , getting around those stupid school attendance fines , avoiding having to have a tv license but they reacted like I was trying to teach them so kind of satanic power that’d damn them to the fires of hell for all eternity .


In the end both brekker and pisser passed the course (with no small amount of help from me) . We had our last conversation in the training room while they waited for both their girlfriends to meet up with them outside


“give mi your Facebook blood and I’ll chuck you an add”


“errr sure ok”


“what’s yer name”


“john parks…add me if you like”


“yeah yeah sweet”


And then came the final insult…their girlfriends arrived, they were both attractive and intelligent women.


What the frig ???????

True story

The justice injustice

The justice injustice

I wonder how many people remember Christopher Jefferies ? In 2010 he was wrongly arrested for the murder of landscape architect Jo Yeates . I just read an interesting article by him about his time as a suspect and the way the media set about vilifying him . I remember it pretty well , News outlets ran a photo of him looking rather creepy with his wind-swept and wild-looking grey hair wearing a smug smirk on his face .

I remember thinking at the time that the Press had deliberately chosen that picture to convey something odd , sinister and arrogant about the poor man. Stories began to emerge in the papers about him with lurid headlines such as “the strange Mr Jefferies” , “Jo suspect is Peeping Tom” and “Angry weirdo had foul temper” , all of which turned out to be fabrication .

At the time I was sat watching bbc news with a friend of mine and I remarked with no small amount of irony that the right honorable judge Fleet street had delivered his verdict so let’s get the firing squad ready !!

Pictures began to be circulated on Facebook under the tagline “hang this vile scum” . However I’m very proud to say I defended him , on Facebook and other forums I argued rabidly that he had not been charged and had a right to a trial by jury , that even if he was a weirdo , peeping tom or had a foul temper Christopher Jefferies had a right to a fair trial and that none of us had seen or heard any of the evidence against him. I consider it a matter of personal pride that I got a number of death threats not to mention all kinds of insults and I was suitably smug when 3 months later he was publicly cleared of any involvement. Shortly after all this the real culprit was caught and convicted .

A few years ago during the “Ipswich ripper” case the media once again excelled themselves when a man named Tom Stephens was arrested on suspicion of being the culprit . He was publicly named , they even went as far as to display his MySpace page on the rolling news . Like the nosy sod I am I went and had a look , the stuff people were posting on his page was horrendous . Being a total mouthy git who loves an argument I waded in and started messaging some of the people who had posted comments . Once again I pointed out that he hadn’t been charged , we hadn’t seen the evidence etc etc , the replies I got apart from the insults and threats generally seemed to be of the belief that I’m the crazy one (hold that thought)

Lately we’ve seen the rise of trial by social media , more and more I’m seeing pictures shared of people who have allegedly committed a range of crimes despite the fact that these people have not been charged , arrested or convicted . I chip in where I can and try to point out the facts but once again….I’m the crazy one (keep holding that thought)

Years and years ago I was chosen for jury duty , I can’t talk about the details of the case or the crime publicly because I’d be incriminating myself but as I sat with the other jurors and the defendant was brought into the dock for the first time I took a good look at the person. Shaven head , facial tattoos , shabby clothes and sunken knuckles , straight away the thought jumped into my head “guilty guilty guilty” . Luckily I gave myself a mental slap across the face and told myself how he looks should make no difference , his life choices make no difference , the evidence is all that matters but for a few seconds I was no better than the people I hate in the media and on the internet for doing the self same thing.

The one thing they tell you on jury service is to avoid the media as they can prejudice your judgement. Can anybody tell me how that’s possible ? The media are everywhere , it’s on the internet , the tv , it comes through the radio , they give free papers away on public transport and media reports get shared on social media (although Facebook wasn’t around when I did jury service) .

As much as I love social media I think it’s has made it impossible for anybody to get a fair trial since it has such a wide scope to prejudice people’s minds.

I’d like to see these shameless reporters and the corrupt police officers who leak case information to them go through the same ordeal as those poor people , to have their lives ripped open for public consumption , every dirty secret trotted out for all see and judge. I wonder how they’d like it ???

Trail by media and trial by social media have to be the most unfair form of justice since the witch trails were banned.

If thinking you’re the last sane person in the world makes you crazy then send me to the loony bin now……just make sure they have Wi-Fi ;-)



Finally broke my duck and logged into Twitter today…I almost wish I hadn’t to be honest ! Apart from making me feel like a stalker I also wound up reading the tweet of a guy I follow called Richard Dawkins who is kind of a celebrity Atheist , always banging on about religion and it’s contradictions…then I spotted something he had written in a reply to a reply , I had quite admired this guy , I read his book a while ago called “the god delusion” and he pretty much converted me . But now I realise there are some serious contradictions to atheism.

All he wrote was “good luck” I wonder how many of his fans picked up on it…not many I’ll bet .

Here is a guy who has built his fame on denouncing religion as superstition and nonsense using science to debunk christianity , Islam etc but he still believes in “luck” . I don’t get it Dawkins !!!! how can you rabidly rant about the stupidity of all spiritual beliefs while at the same time indulging in your own superstitious beliefs ?? I mean what is luck ? Is it a real scientifically proven entity ? Can it be quantified ? No it bloody can’t .

This guy always falls back on science to validate his objections to organised religion yet he believes in something equally absurd . I think if you look at the concept of it then luck is a form of religious superstition . It has rituals like not walking under a ladder , stepping on the cracks in the pavement , breaking a mirror and throwing salt over your shoulder when you spill some . It also has blessings in the same way a religion does , is there really much difference between saying “god bless” and wishing somebody “good luck” ?

I’d like to see an Atheist show me scientific proof that wishing somebody good luck markedly increases their chance of favorable outcomes or that possession of a horseshoe makes me even remotely more likely to get myself a 6 pack and the stamina of a porn star . If I break a mirror is there a scientific equation that shows I’m going to wind up as Adam Sandler 7 years ? Is there a lab test that shows if I step on the cracks in the pavement then I’m destined to bump into my psychopathic stalker of an ex girl friend from two years ago…I bloody hope not but I doubt it

Luck even has a latin name just like Christianity (fortuna)

That’s it Dawkins you silver haired speccy charlatan I’m un-following you

By the way….that makeup you wear on T.V makes you look like the Ronseal man !!!

good luck ;-)




Wound up giving myself a real headache reading the news….almost every single item quoted some opinion poll or other as evidence of whatever agenda the news article was trying to push ! Those stupid polls really wind me up…they don’t prove anything except that the pollsters found a majority of people in a small survey group agreed with whatever result the people who commisioned it wanted . Yet so called “respectable journalists” keep trotting out this garbage to validate the ideological goals of whatever media mogul pays their wages. Does anybody even formulate their opinions based on an opinion poll ?


They way opinion polls work puts me right off giving them any credit . Some political pressure group , media tycoon or political party employ a polling company and tell them they believe the majority of people want, believe , disbelieve , dislike or like a certain thing…they want to prove this by carrying out an opinion poll . The polling company then gets paid to give the customer what they want , they consult hundreds of past poll results to get a sense of what class or demographic are most likely to give a positive result which they call the target group . Obviously an opinion poll that returns a 100% positive result isn’t going to be taken very seriously so they pad out the numbers to make it more believeable , a pollster then selects a small proportion of people who typically have no real opinion or documented preference , the maybe people (usually about 15%) and to top it off they choose a similar percentage of people who are most likely to give a negative response. So if the polling companies demographic records are on target they have a 70% positive poll and even if they aren’t it gives them a 34% error margin if you count the 15% maybe people who could go either way….not bad odds by anybodies standards.


I’m not even going to bother ranting about how these polling companies ask their questions phrased in a tactical way . I just think the whole idea that you can get a good sense of what the polulation want by surveying a carefully selected group of 1000 people in a country of 56 million people is mental !

I could probably find 100 people who think Jordan is a virgin but it doesn’t make it bloody true….it just means I met 100 very stupid people

What worries me is that it might not be too long before somebody tries to use an opinion poll in a court of law as evidence .

I once carried out an opinion poll and it returned the verdict that I’m a witty , clever , handsome stallion of a man !

The survery group consisted of 70% mental patients , 15% blind people , 15% catholic priests and 0% ex girlfriends

Hmmmmm maybe there’s something to it after all !!


The convention contention

I read in the news today that the ex-Royal Marine convicted of shooting a Taliban insurgent in Afghanistan has lodged an appeal against his conviction for murder . I’m a bit bemused as to under what legal framework he was even convicted of murder in the first place . Supposedly what clinched his conviction was the Marines helmet camera recording him after the shooting speaking the incriminating words “I just broke the Geneva convention”…errrrr well actually no he didn’t break the Geneva convention at all and technically it wasn’t murder or manslaughter either.


The Geneva convention is the biggest load of meaningless rubbish outside of the scientologist’s bible , it’s full of contradictions , exceptions and clauses . Since the convention was first signed and put into law there have been hundreds of war crimes trials but the Geneva convention has never been used as part of a prosecution case and for very good reasons.


The convention was created to set down acceptable rules and conduct for war while also preventing war crimes (done a good job hasn’t it?) . Countries had to sign up to the treaty on a voluntary basis in order for it to have any real use or validity and in the end 195 nations signed up. To reflect the changing nature of wars over the years the treaty had to be updated , reworded and amended ; each time this happened nations had to agree to the changes all over again…and that’s where the Geneva convention falls flat on its face ! Not every country singed up to every amendment while others signed up to them all. The result was a ridiculous patchwork of laws and amendments that not all nations were bound to obey.


The Geneva convention states that prisoners of war cannot be interrogated , tortured , exposed to public curiosity (put on tv) , made to carry out war work or put on trial in any court other than the international criminal court. . So you might wonder how America gets away with things like waterboarding , Guantanamo bay and the abu ghraib prisoner abuses ? Well it’s simple really…the Geneva convention only applies to uniformed military personnel with rank insignia clearly displayed . The Taliban and al Qaeda are classed as “unlawful combatants” they have no legal protection and no rights , technically they can be subject to summary execution and even public execution to deter others.


I’m not defending what the Marine did…obviously we can’t have soldiers appointing themselves judge jury and executioner in a civilised society but the original proceedings were nothing more than a show trial because in actual law he didn’t commit a crime.


It’s about time the united nations drew up a proper treaty and made it compulsory to sign up…then maybe we won’t have to endure these daft double speak court proceedings

Independant dependence

The vote on Scottish independence is slowly getting nearer and already I’m sick of the endless rubbish being churned out by the pro independence camp !! stupid statements like “be free from English colonialism” “freedom from English oppression/influence/domination”  , ” we won’t fight English wars anymore” . It’s all a lot of histrionic nonsense with no real basis in fact.

The truth is Scotland being part of the UK is not the result of a war , invasion , oppression or colonialism . They wanted it and they welcomed union with England . Here’s the history that the likes of Alex Salmond conveniently fail to mention. In the late 1600’s Scotland had fought a series of civil wars exhausting its  wealth and natural resources in the process : England on the other hand was entering the days of Empire , reaping the financial and material rewards of colonies and trading posts . In Scotland anything worth buying was imported from England and subject to import duty (levied by the Scottish government) making them prohibitively expensive .

Jealous of England’s success and prominence on the world stage the Scottish government decided to throw its hat (kilt) into the ring and attempt to build its own little colonial empire by establishing a trading outpost  called “Caledonia” on the Isthmus of Panama from where it could extort money from merchants and traders . The big flaw in that plan was that in order to have colonies and overseas trading posts is that you need certain things first , such as a powerful and capable navy to supply and defend it ! also a professional and experienced army to maintain order , fight off natives and deter other colonial powers . All of these things England had; none of those things the Scotland had .

So the expedition failed miserably . The Scottish government had invested a huge portion of its GDP in the whole disaster and now they were bankrupt . The economic hardships looked likely to spark another civil war so the Scottish government turned to the “auld enemy” for help. England agreed to take on Scotland’s debts ! the price being that they join the union and accept governance from Westminster. In doing this the English government acted the same way financial receivers would act with a bankrupt company . The deal was done and Scotland entered a period of stability and prosperity by sharing in England’s colonial wealth .

What I find funny is that the pro independence movement have trotted out a few film stars to give public speeches on the subject…what amuses me is these stars owe their stardom to England , people like Sean Connery who is a tax exile and hides his money in the Cayman Islands . To be fair to Sean though he does have a lot in common with the unemployed people in scotland…neither of them pay tax !!!

I’ve nothing against the Scottish and I hope they stay in the union personally but I just wish they’d recognise the extent of what the English have done for them in the last several hundred years and that if they go it alone…English wallets will be closed once and for all !


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